![]() (Andrea also happens to be endlessly fascinated with Cloud, depending on how good your dance performance is.) While this "inn" puts on fabulous dance shows each night, it's as much a musical club as Madam M's parlor is for hand massages only, but that's all behind the scenes in FF7R they leave that up to your fertile imaginations. And then there's the mysterious and alluring Andrea Rhodea, a fashion-forward mogul who runs the Honeybee Inn with its objectively sexy employees regardless of just how much into wasp-play you happen to be(e). MM is definitely in the Dom category as far as this game's characters go. ![]() Then there's Madam M, the proprietor of a (hand) massage parlor in the district if you didn't think the game was horny up until this point, this is where FF7R beats you over the head with it. There's the rough-and-tumble Chocobo Sam, who would love nothing more than to give Cloud a ride on his own personal Chocobo before going full Brokeback Mountain with the merc. Get ready for an even-more-golden heart of gold as you meet Aerith, the demure florist who spends her time gathering herbs for doctors, playing games with local orphans, providing flowers to said orphanage, and keeping your crew alive and in fighting shape throughout much of the game's combat sequences.Īerith may live in an idyllic garden with her protective single mother, but she spends most of her time tending to flowers in a rundown church for Cetra's sake! (Oh and she also happens to be the last surviving member of the bloodline of the Ancients, if that does anything for your libido.) She, too, will put Cloud's relationship qualities to the test in much the same way Tifa did: Are you good with kids? Can you fight monsters on behalf of grieving old men and weak, nosy journalists? How will you handle that cracked-out robed dude who just so happened to show up again? If FF7R was a BioWare game, it would 100% have a relationship meter and you could absolutely get down once you've fulfilled your chosen one's personal quests, but alas, this is Square Enix after all. If Tifa's not your type, never fear the game will literally drop you into another potential waifu's lap. FF7R basically says, "Look, we know you want to get with Tifa, and we're going to let you go as far as our T-rated 'suggestive themes' allow, but don't expect to be rewarded for being an immoral degenerate." The same goes for losing your temper with the irritable weapons shop owner, the goofy Biggs and Wedge, or anyone else in the vicinity of Seventh Heaven, including the cracked-out robed dude in the room next to your own. Getting impatient with a kid who lost her cats? That's another finger-wag. Sassing off to the innkeeper? Tifa will give you a finger-wag. ![]() (And don't even get me started on the squats and pull-ups minigames.) FF7R spends even more time trying to waifu you up with Tifa as she tests your character as a fighter, a friend, and a caregiver. Tifa is a top-to-bottom bombshell and the game knows it it goes to great lengths to paint the fisticuffs-favoring fighter as a squeaky clean bartender with yet another heart of gold. Tifa is engineered to be a sex symbol, just as Cloud is genetically engineered to be an absolute mess whenever he thinks about his mom, his brothers-in-arms, or any of his time spent fighting for Shinra, really. Tifa's introduction, in either the original or the remake, should be the point that makes you stand up and shout, "Oh! This game is horny!" to anyone in the vicinity. In a cruel twist of fate, Jessie not-so-innocently asks if you know Tifa early on, learning the heart-breaking fate that, yes, Cloud and Tifa are childhood friends with a history of light adolescent petting and heavy emotionally traumatic promises. Not to worry, FF7R gives you plenty of other options. (At least Jessie gets to sort of introduce Cloud to her family in this version, even though yikes what a way to meet the parents!) There is, perhaps, no more of a try-hard in this entire game than Jessie, whose boob-armor fashion sense screams "Look at me!" as much as it does "I do what I want, dad!" It's just a shame that neither her armor, her tech savvy, nor her overtly flirtatious manner with Cloud-not to mention her dreams of acting at the Golden Saucer-could save her from being shot-up and crushed to death in the end Jessie could have been the One True Waifu. ![]() She is immediately horned-up at the arrival of Cloud, the Buster Sword-sporting merc dressed in a sleeveless turtleneck combat sweater and a single DIY nuts-and-bolts pauldron and who wouldn't be, really? Everyone's after this mans. The doofy duo of Wedge-our resident big boy with plenty of huggable cushion-and Biggs-the bandana-sporting Charlie Sheen-in- Hot Shots! Part Deux lookalike-want nothing more than to bro out with Cloud as soon as they get back to their super-cool secret base where they can read comic books and no girls are allowed.
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